Living Without You
by moriartyswife
Summary: His eyes followed me, warm and inviting. But his kind can't be trusted. First, he grabs my boob, then he watches me while I sleep, and now he's filming me. Things can only get worse. That's how it went last time. The nice boys… they always end up having an ulterior motive. Tatara taught me how to trust again, and in a blink... he was gone from my life. TataraxOC, future FushimixOC
1. Chapter 1

Past:

With school being over for the day, I walked down the familiar streets to the bar like I had done so many days before. Since Izumo had taken ownership of the bar from our uncle, getting inside was easy. So long as I didn't try and swipe drinks without permission and supervision, then my presence was never unwanted. The bar wasn't open yet, which means there is still time to get a nap in. Dropping my satchel down on the floor by the door, it was silent in the room. No one around… I went to the across the room and collapsed on my favorite couch.

This time, my body wasn't met with the oh-so-comfy cushions that I'd grown accustomed to, but another human being. Panic set in and we both scrambled to get away, him sitting up and me falling ungracefully into the floor, screaming at the top of my lungs. My ass hurts from hitting the hard wood!

"Who are you?" He asked, covering his ears with both his hands.

Using my hands to cover my body even though my clothes still covered everything, I blushed hard. "You first! How did you get in here and why are you sleeping on my couch!"

"Your couch?" The blonde-haired boy reached for me, possibly attempting to help me up, but there's no way to be sure.

I screamed again. "Stranger danger! Izumo!" The closer he came the more panicked I became. Squeezing my eyes shut, I used all my energy to harness the flames inside me. He's going to touch me again! What if he… Tears sprung to my eyes and the flames erupted from my body. As quickly as they rose, they fell away, overpowered by someone else. I lifted my head as someone set their hand on my head.

"Easy, kid. He's harmless," Mikoto said, rubbing his hand on my head. He's one of the few people who can even touch me a little bit. His eyes moved from me to this mysterious boy. "Why are you here?"

The boy talked to Mikoto like they were old friends, but Mikoto seemed uninterested, more than usual. Peeling myself off the floor, I retreated to the bar, where my brother had mysteriously appeared. My vision still remained blurry from the water in my eyes. "I'm going to the back," I said softly, moving to go through the door.

Izumo caught my arm, raising an eyebrow at me. "What's wrong with your eye?"

How did he notice? I layered makeup over it! Moving my gaze to the floor, I kicked my foot on the floor. "I… fell." Why do I even bother to lie anymore? Of course, he wasn't going to believe me. On top of this boy groping me, the events of the school day made me stressed out. "I… um…"

Izumo sighed. "Are they threatening you again?"

"No, of course not! I'm fine, really. Let it go, big brother. It was an accident." The last thing I needed was him and Mikoto getting involved. That would only end in either my expulsion and both in prison, or it would only serve to make matters worse. As weak as I am, I can at least deal with this problem on my own.

"Wait, Kusanagi, that's Nao?" The pervert boy asked, perking up at my words. The blanket still wrapped around his body and went up over his head, making him look like a child. A child pervert. He grinned happily. "I'm Tatara Totsuka, the newest addition to HOMRA."

"I didn't realize we were letting deviants join," I said, turning my head away, disgusted.

Tatara's eyes went wide, alarmed. "No no no! I apologize for what happened a few minutes ago, but you did fall on me…" He said it like it was funny.

Sending glares at him, I covered my chest with my arms. "Yeah, well you didn't have to get so handsy!" I blushed just thinking about it. He might not have meant to, but he still grabbed one! Embarrassment rose up in me. He's just told everyone what happened! Maybe Izumo will hit him for me.

"It was a complete accident, Nao, I swear," Tatara sounded more sincere this time. He stood, discarding the blanket on the floor, approaching me and my brother. His charming grin didn't change what I knew about him. He stopped when I hid behind Izumo. "Okay, so you don't like people touching you then?"

It was my turn to be surprised. Most just wrote me off as being shy. There's no such thing not liking being touched in some way. It's affection, they say. Affection is necessary for survival. But I hate it. After that asshole hurt me, it took half a year for me to even let my own brother touch me, and even then, there are only certain spots and gestures. "Get lost, pervert. I just don't like you." Brush it off as nothing.

Tatara continued to smile despite my name calling and death glare. He bent down to be eye level with me. "Cross my heart I won't do it again."

"I'm not a child! I'm sixteen!" I said angrily. My stature did nothing to help that I could pass as a middle school student. Izumo had taken all the height from our parents and left me with barely five feet to claim.

This boy laughed and nodded his head. "Yes, I know. I didn't mean to offend you."

Izumo shook his head, lighting a cigarette. "Don't take it personally, Tatara. Nao is known to dislike all newcomers." He glanced back at me, giving me a reassuring smile. He kept the peace between me and the other members, though there weren't very many of us. "Why don't you go on upstairs? We're about to open."

Open means adults with way too much PDA and creepy men trying to approach a teenager. I hated being down here when we were open. Good thing we lived right upstairs above the bar. Since my parents couldn't care less what happens to me, I got to live with Izumo. Sometimes I think that he might get annoyed with me, but he has yet to say anything.

Spending the remainder of my night upstairs, I did my homework and fell asleep on the couch. It might have been a dream, but I vaguely remember that pervert coming up here with Izumo. He even covered me with a blanket. It was confirmed when I awoke to a soft blanket covering my body. Gross! He watched me while I slept! Even creepier! My skin crawled at the prospect of him even looking at me. My cheeks grew hot again. What if he looked down my shirt or something?!

"It's too early in the morning for you to be so red, Nao," Mikoto commented from the chair adjacent to the couch. He crashed at our place a lot. He blew out a puff of smoke from the cigarette he had balanced between his teeth. "What's your issues with Tatara?"

I sat up, adjusting my tank top to cover my chest up better. Even though I trusted Mikoto, it made me uncomfortable to be so exposed. Slowly pulling the blanket up to cover my whole body, I shrugged my shoulders. "He's been trying to… every time he gets near me…" My words seemed to jumble as I spoke, but Mikoto waited patiently. "He's just like _him._ " My voice lessened to a whisper.

"Oh? Feel like telling me about him?" He asked.

This again. Izumo and Mikoto would ask me every day about the incident that occurred last year. The boy still tormented me at school. Pretending that it never happened. Spreading lies about me. But I can't have my big brother fight all my battles for me, and… part of me still wishes him well. If it gets out what happened, I'll forever be a victim. Shaking my head, I gave him a big grin. "No, it's over with."

He nodded his head, unconvinced but tired of questioning me about it. If he ever found out who did it, there was no doubt he would do something extreme. Mikoto might be the strong silent type, but he was loyal and protected his own. Ever since he and Izumo met, Mikoto has treated me like his own sister.

Rubbing my eyes, I sighed. "I have to get ready for school."

Changing into my school uniform, I picked up my satchel for school. The door opened and in comes the pervert, camera in hand. "Good morning, King. I found a camera and thought I'd try my hand at photography." He slowly turned, panning around the room until he landed on me. "Hello, gorgeous Nao! Off to school?"

"Don't film me! I'm… I'm not some model for your debauchery films," I said, blushing hard and feeling very self-conscious in my uniform. Is he one of those guys who likes girls in a school uniform? Gross! My hands shook as I stood frozen.

Tatara lowered the camera, still smiling softly. "I'm sorry, Nao. I should have asked you before doing that. Please forgive me." He bowed slightly, as a respectful apology. He's being… weird.

I kept my eyes on him as I moved around him to leave. His eyes followed me, warm and inviting. But his kind can't be trusted. First, he grabs my boob, then he watches me while I sleep, and now he's filming me. Things can only get worse. That's how it went last time. The nice boys… they always end up having an ulterior motive. I mulled over this new boy all the way to school. Should we have allowed him into the group? It's not my place to question Mikoto… but…

As I reached the back entrance of the school, familiar figures stood, waiting. The boys didn't grin today. Today, they looked mad. Wonder what I did now? "Hey, Nao. I heard that HOMRA has been poking around my brother's gang. He asked me to send a message for them." He cracked his knuckles, his signature smile returning. "Ready to deliver it?"


	2. Chapter 2

Present:

Stepping off the train, I spotted Shohei and Eric waiting by the front for me. My long trip out of town had made everyone worried. What was supposed to be a one-week trip turned into over a month. So much more activity around here had put them a little on edge. Someone decided that it would be a good idea to mess with HOMRA. Waving enthusiastically, I ran across the room, narrowly avoiding the other people hurrying to and from the station. Almost whacking someone with my suitcase when I released it, I ran into a hug from Shohei. "Hey guys!"

"Nao! Welcome back!" Shohei greeted me with a big hug.

As soon as it started to feel uncomfortable, I pulled away. Things had gotten better over the three years with my touching issues, but I still had a long way to go. "Thanks for coming to get me, but you know you didn't have to. I would have been fine."

Eric shrugged. "Mikoto and Mr. Kusanagi both ordered us to. You can't exactly fend for yourself."

I laughed, a little embarrassed. "That's true. So, thanks a lot for taking care of me," I said and smiled at him. He and I still weren't too close. His past had scarred him, and that I understood well.

Eric looked away, unsure of how to respond, but he took my suitcase out of my hand. "Let's head back to the bar."

With him leading the way, Shohei caught me up on the drama. Yata still couldn't talk to girls and still brooded over Saruhiko leaving us. I couldn't blame him for being mad, because it hurt when he'd left. But he seemed happier, though there was no way to be sure, because Saruhiko got bored easy. Tatara had started playing the guitar in my absence. The spike in violence toward HOMRA had everyone worried about me. Even being somewhere over four hours away, threats had made their way to me.

"Hey Nao, what kept you gone for so long?" Shohei asked, clasping his hands behind his head. Being around them always turned heads. Either people were afraid of HOMRA or wanting to start something with us. "Izumo didn't say."

"It's a secret," I replied, giving him a wink.

Eric held the front door open for me, and I ran into the building straight for Tatara. "Tatara!" Jumping into his arms, the smell of his cologne filled my lungs. I missed him so much while I was gone. Thankfully, he caught me before we both fell off the stool and onto the floor. "I've heard you're quite the musician now."

"I'm learning, yes. How was your trip?" He asked, drumming his fingertips on my sides. For how rocky our first year together was, Tatara asked me to date him right before Saruhiko left. Since then, we'd had many amazing dates and nights together.

"It's been good. I'm supposed to go back in a week, and I wanted to know if you wanted to come. They said it would be good for me," I replied, smiling but the nervousness showed in my voice. Therapy. I'd been traveling four hours by train to go to a specialist. I went for a few days at a time, at first. Then, it turned into a week. This time, though, I stayed a whole month. Things took a turn for the worst and they wanted to keep me for observation and to work through the meltdown with me.

Tatara smiled, planting a kiss on my forehead. "Of course, I'll come with you. I'll clear my whole schedule. Are you ready to go home and rest? Because you look exhausted, and the bar is already open." And full. The seats were taken and the couches filled with bodies, and that didn't include the group of unruly HOMRA boys in the basement.

"Shouldn't I go see everyone?"

Izumo shook his head, mixing a drink at the bar. "Get out of here. I'll make an excuse for you, and tomorrow we'll go to lunch." Lunch means talking. Besides Tatara, Izumo is the only other one who knows exactly why I'm periodically missing. It had been hard to go without anyone, but the therapist had thought it might help me. Obviously, it hadn't, and he'd invited Tatara to come along with me.

I nodded, agreeing to go. In all honesty, all of me felt drained, emotional and physical. With Tatara carrying my suitcase in one hand, he slipped his other hand into mine. We'd only recently starting holding hands… maybe that was two months ago? I couldn't bring myself to kiss him yet. Tatara has always been understanding, trying to make me as comfortable as possible.

Until we were safe inside the apartment, we were both silent. After the deadbolt clicked shut, Tatara spun me around until we faced each other. "You were gone for much longer than usual. Do you want to talk about it?" Even though there was no music, he still held me close and moved us to the imaginary song.

"He wants me to do all these things, and I'm not sure I can, Tatara. Not with a stranger. He says it won't get better if I don't force myself out of my comfort zone. But maybe I can't be fixed. Maybe I'll be like this forever." I leaned forward to rest my forehead on his chest. "What if I can't be a normal girl?" What if I can never kiss or have sex ever again? He can't want me to stay like this. He's the reason I'm in therapy!

Tatara laughed. He could find something funny in the most serious of situations. "Then you won't be a normal girl. Nao, you don't have to prove anything. I like you just the way you are." He planted a soft kiss on top of my head, lingering.

I held my breath, my whole body tensing. Closing my eyes, I began to count. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. How long is he going to do that? It feels… nice. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. The longer he held me like this, the more anxious I felt. Eleven Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen… "Okay that's enough," I caved, and pulled myself out of his grasp.

"That's a record for you. See? You are making progress." He grabbed his camera off the table, hitting the record button. "Nao, come on. It's been so long since I've heard you sing. Sing for me."

My face grew hot as I blushed. No one really knows that I can sing decently, except for Tatara, who always wants to document each song. "R-right now?" Of course, he means right now. Sitting down at the piano, my fingers hovered over the keys. What song should I play? Beginning to start a new song I'd composed, everything around me began to fade. The songstress inside came alive. "I know I'm different… than what you expected…"

The song had come from one of my therapy sessions. Sometimes he allowed me to write what came to my mind, and this song had formed in those two hours. This was the first time that I'd ever put everything together. It flowed beautifully. Coming from somewhere deep inside me… A longing for something that couldn't be put into just words.

"That was beautiful, Nao!" Tatara said, after I'd finished. He set the camera down, clapping his hands enthusiastically.

Thoroughly embarrassed by his overreaction, I hid my face with my hands. "It's not that good, okay."

Tatara pulled my hands away, his face close to mine. "Don't hide your beautiful face. I love to see all of your emotions. They tell me so much about you." He kissed my nose lightly. Still holding onto my hands, he started walking backwards. "Why don't we go take some pictures? I got a new camera for Anna's birthday party tomorrow, but I want to test it out on the most gorgeous girl I know."

"We're having a birthday party for Anna?" I asked. Izumo didn't tell me anything about it when he called me. It must have been a last minute decision.

He nodded, spinning me around. "Let's go take some pictures."

There's no talking him out of it, even if I am quite tired. I can handle an hour of photo taking with the most important person in my life. He made me happy. "As long as I get to take some too." He'd taught me how to use the recorder he'd bought, but never a fancy camera.

"Hmm…" Swinging his arm around my shoulder, he pulled me close. Holding the camera above us, Tatara grinned, making me laugh, and snapped a picture. "Here's one of many."

We walked around out in the city, freezing but it was nice. We took serious pictures, funny ones, and sweet ones. People around us would stop and aww or laugh at us. For once, it felt the pressure on me had been lifted. It didn't matter what I can and can't do. I was with Tatara, and that was all I needed.

"Let's go up here," Tatara called from an alleyway. There was stairway up the side of the building. It looked completely illegal, but he started up the stairs anyways.

I glanced around but climbed up after him. "W-Wait for me!" Heights were another thing that terrified me. Tatara laughed at my unstable movements, reaching back to take my hand and guide me up. I ran into him when he stopped on the stable roof. "Tatara?"

"Hey, it's a nice night out. I came out here to take pictures of the night time view with my girlfriend," Tatara greeted a stranger. My heart warmed when he said girlfriend. It still made me giggle. "But what are you doing out here? I'm Tatara Totsuka, and this is Nao Kusanagi. What's your name?"

The boy looked strange, like one would if they were standing in front of those mirrors that change your image. There was something awkward about the way he moved. Why is he laughing? My mind screamed danger. Tugging on Tarara's hand as a silent warning, my body tensed. Danger.

Gunfire blasted in my ears and Tatara shoved me back. My shoe stuck on the ledge and I tumbled back over the railing, hitting the metal landing a few feet down with a loud thud. My head pounded in pain and I groaned. Trying to move hurt, but I had to! This is… urgent. My view of the night sky faded to black.

 _Tatara…_


End file.
